Category Archives: ** = Ugh. Sucked.

The Last Cavalier

Aaaaand…we’re back! Happy 2012! Did you have a good new year? Did you have a good Valentine’s Day? Are you being properly romanced? I had so much romance in my life it made me want to puke, so I figured that was a sign I should get back here and do some recaps. Blah blah blah, let’s talk about this gem! How about that cover? Doesn’t she look mildly interested in what’s happening? Also, for some reason I look at that image and I see Teddy Roosevelt in the hero’s face. This is the first time I’m seeing that cover because I listened to this as an audiobook and I am SO GLAD that I did! Reading with your eyes is for losers!

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Beloved Scoundrel

This is the third of my four rummage sale romance novels (previously and previously) and my winning (losing?) streak is continuing! I mean, of course we all expected this, because most of what was written before 1990 is just dreadful. And Beloved Scoundrel is no exception! You can tell just from the title that it’s going to be ridiculous. Scoundrel? Scoundrel?! A scoundrel is, like, a little Scotty dog in a jaunty cap. A scoundrel is a chipmunk that you shake your fist at after it steals your nut. A scoundrel is NOT a hot dude you want to bonk. Come on! I can’t even think about that word without giggling, and you know how romance heroes hate to be giggled at, so it just stands to reason that Captain James would be a total douchenugget. I caused this. I’m sorry.

(As an aside, while I was searching for a cover image – and couldn’t find a big one, which is why this post is preceded by such a teensy tiny image; also because I am too lazy to take a picture of the cover of my book – I discovered that “scoundrel” is a VERY popular word in romance novel titles. Seriously! SCOUNDRELS, the lot of them!)

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Marriage Most Scandalous

This one is really exciting! It’s my VERY FIRST romance novel audiobook! See, I had this long drive to do by myself and I’m kind of a wuss about driving long distances alone because I either start to fall asleep or I get really antsy or I just get BORED and I end up stopping, like, once an hour, to the point that even the dog is like, Jesus H…again?! So usually I just make a CD or ten CDs or load up the ol’ MP3 machine with music that I can sing along to at the top of my lungs, but ugh…that’s a LONG time to be singing. And then I thought, audiobook! And then I thought, ROMANCE NOVEL AUDIOBOOK!!!!! And that’s how this all came to be.

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Indigo Nights

So a while back I went to this used book sale and right at the entrance to the sale there was this shelf of misfit books that nobody wanted with a big sign that said “FREE!” and on the shelf were a bunch of romance novels that looked AMAZING, if you know what I mean. I immediately lost my composure and started screaming and tearing my hair out and making a scene in this church basement while the sweet old ladies running the sale looked on and nodded knowingly to one another. What I wanted to do of course was fill my arms and my purse and my pockets and my boyfriend’s pockets and the trunk of my car with books glorious books, but I ended up demonstrating some real restraint and only grabbing four of the free books – which I think we can all agree is a feat of almost unbelievable selflessness. Of course I made my selections based entirely on the cover art and how much I thought the novels would enhance my quality of life.

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I Kissed An Earl

I think everybody has a friend who or knows a woman (or is the woman) who gets involved with really crappy men because she feels like she can “fix” their massive issues. It’s stupid in real life and it’s stupid in rom-com movies and it’s stupid in romance novels but of course it’s in like 110% of them, because hey why not, right? But here’s a novel that’s so damn SPECIAL and UNIQUE that it makes not only the hero a gigantic asshole in desperate need of fixing, but a heroine who is similarly assholish! It’s like an asshole match made in asshole heaven! Pretty much by p. 2 I stopped caring about either of them, though as the asshole-fest progressed I started to feel a little bad for the lady Violet (which, ps, is the name of my car – true story) because the earl was SUCH an assclown. Anyway…uh…enjoy?

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The Runaway McBride

I have to admit, I sort of like romance novels that deal with Issues, instead of just the usual issue of what to wear and when and how much much to fuck. In The Runaway McBride, Elizabeth Thornton’s characters are all dealing with the changing place of women in society – women with educations, women with aspirations beyond marriage, motherhood, etc. Thornton doesn’t really come to a conclusion one way or the other – the problem with Issues and taking a stance is you risk upsetting your readers, which is less profitable than side-stepping – and I guess we’re supposed to imagine that her hero isn’t one of those boorish hero-types, he’s a guy who’s going to let his lady grow into a complex human being. Or something. Seriously, lady, I ain’t buying it.

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A Pirate’s Love

I’m beginning to wonder: do I have some knack for selecting truly horrific romance novels to read or have the majority of romance novels jumped off the deep end? Am I just paying more attention to the infuriating plots and characters than I used to? Is my critical eye more attuned, less forgiving? Or do these books have some kind of psychic pull over me that leaves me helpless, unable to resist? Am I being punished?

Also, food for thought: “pirate’s” is an anagram for “rape-ist.”

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