Long, Tall and Tempted #3: Cowboy Christmas

We’re almost to the end of this…um…collection, I guess you would call it? Whatever! It’s almost over! And don’t worry, this one is just as gut-wrenchingly awful as the others have been. Oops, I mean ROMANTIC. Oops, no, I meant barf.

Here is the horrifying backstory you need to know: Dorie and Corrigan hooked up when they were, like, 18 year old kids and Dorie was not prepared to go “all the way,” as the kids say, which Corrigan found VERY distasteful so he lectured her about what a horrible bitch she was for “teasing” him, as the douches say, but eventually let her go. Soon after Dorie fled to NYC to restart her life, but when her dad died 8 years later, she came back to her little Texas town to hold his funeral and take care of his affairs. Also, this will make a lot more sense if you just accept that neither Dorie nor Corrigan has moved on or matured EVEN A TINY BIT in the 8 years that have passed since they saw each other. Dorie is still a shy, nervous little girl and Corrigan is still a rough, brash, complete fucking asshole. OH, and also? Dorie was attacked and almost raped and then disfigured (she has a facial scar) by a guy who pretend to be a modeling talent scout. So. There’s that.

Sound good?????

Well, it’s not good. It’s pretty terrible. This whole horrific little novella is sort of an exercise in consent, AND WHY IT’S TOTALLY NOT IMPORTANT AM I RIGHT YOU GUYS?????? See, Dorie comes back and basically gets intimidated into staying by Corrigan (who wants what’s best for her and also knows what’s best for her, him and him alone, certainly not Dorie, absolutely not). And then she gets bullied into taking a job from Corrigan and also he barges into her home and tries to get all sexy up in her grill. Barrrrf alert! And then his three oafish brothers show up to tell Dorie all about what a GREAT GUY he is, but here’s the thing: IF YOU ARE A GREAT GUY, STUPID SIDE-CHARACTERS DON’T NEED TO TELL THE HEROINE THAT!!! Corrigan is not a great guy. Corrigan is an asshole and he needs to go away. Instead, Dorie goes to his house and he tries to get all sexy up in her grill again, and then he brings her to orgasm using only her nipples and his mouth. Which might be interesting and sexy IF ONLY CORRIGAN WASN’T INVOLVED. And then Dorie finds out that he and his brothers have basically already started arranging their wedding. Haha! Soooo romantic! This is very definitely a good basis for a long-term relationship! Haha! Also Dorie and Corrigan talk about how sex between who people who love each other and are married is the best kind, and about how Dorie isn’t one of those “modern women” who have promiscuous sex, ew no way. (DIANA PALMER WHAT IS YOUR DEAL?!) Then Dorie overhears Corrigan’s lady friend (JUST FRIENDS YOU GUYS) telling another lady about how Corrigan is just trying to pretend to like Dorie so she’ll do his bookkeeping. Later Corrigan reveals that he just told his lady-friend that so she wouldn’t know how much Dorie really means to him! I mean, of course! All of my most friendly relationships are building entirely out of lies!!!! So Dorie freaks out and leaves town and then Corrigan sends his cop-buddy after her and HAS HER ARRESTED AND DRAGGED BACK TO TOWN, where they admit that they love each other and decided to go ahead and have the wedding THAT CORRIGAN AND HIS AWFUL BROTHERS HAVE ALREADY COMPLETELY PLANNED WITHOUT HER KNOWING! Hahahaha! Those guys! Those rascally scamps! Hahahaha! I’m seconds away from setting things on fire with my mind! Hahahaha! THANK GOD THIS BOOK IS OVER.

Seriously. This book. I can’t even. What? I don’t know. I don’t remember Diana Palmer being quite so terrifically horrifying in terms of plot of characters, but maybe she’s always been like this and I just forgot? Or I refused to acknowledge it? Or maybe Diana Palmer just shouldn’t write romance novellas. Whatever. She’s one “I really hate women, except for that one” hero away from joining Judith McNaught on my Do Not Read list.

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