Oh boy, do I have a goodie for you! For novella #2, in this week’s installment of How I Learned to Stop Worrying About Being a Human Being And Decided to Just Go Ahead and Lower My Standards, we follow the burgeoning love story of Dana and Hank.
Yes! Another Hank! His name is really Hayden, but he likes to go by Hank. Why? Who cares! Hankypanks is in his mid-thirties, ridiculously wealthy and also a misogynist. No, this isn’t my super awesome reading between the lines skills at work – the M-word is actually used, in the novella, to describe the hero! WOW! Already I know I’m going to toooooootally love this guy!!! YOU WILL TOO, JUST WAIT.So Hank is disgusting and Dana is kind of a mess – she’s 22, her dad just died (poor girl), and she’s not sure how to keep their little ranch afloat with him gone because she is terrible at everything. I mean, she’s ok at going to auctions and buying cattle (ladies love shopping, am I right???) and she’s pretty good at feeding the cattle (I assume she knows which end to feed, anyway), but everything else is just soooooo hard. Dana is like a really really bad stock porno character. “Ranching is so hard! *giggle* Oops I fell off my horse! Oops my shirt popped open! Ooooops I forgot to wear a bra today! *giggle forever*” Luckily her neighbor Hank is around to pick her up and dust her off and touch her boobs and kiss her and stuff. Oh, and also apparently her dad stuck a clause in his will that Dana and Hank HAVE to get married, which I think is not actually a thing that a person can do (and if it is, Mom and Dad: please add a Daniel Craig clause to your wills, ASAP!), but Dana and Hank are stumped at how to get out of it. I mean, obviously Dana is a virgin and really sheltered and has a bit of a crush on Hank so she’s sort of pro-marriage. But Hank has an ex-wife that he hates but also wants to bone (IT’S ALWAYS THE EX WIFE’S FAULT) and he likes having sex with lots of different people, and frankly it makes him prickly that Dana is so blatantly trying to trick him into marrying her. WOMEN! Right??? But also the ex-wife is coming back to town so he wants to make her jealous, so he asks Dana to pretend to be into him, but instead they get into a huuuuge fight and Dana decides not to worry about her finances and she treats herself to a nice weekend in Houston. As one does! But she comes back to a bunch of police stomping around her yard, because Hank got all nervous and thought maybe she’d been murdered or something. See! He cares! Then they decide to go ahead and get married to both fulfill her dad’s wishes and make his ex suuuuuuuper jealous, so they go off to Vegas and have a quickie. AND THEN THEY HAVE A QUICKIE, IF YOU ARE UNDERSTANDING ME. Dana has a super awesome time with the sexing, and Hank seems to also, but the next morning he’s over it and pooooor Dana just doesn’t understaaaaaaaaaand whyyyyyyyy. Anyway, they move into his ENORMOUS MANSION where he employs a maid to cook and clean (offffffff course), and Hank spends a lot of time totally ignoring her, and then his ex shows up! And she’s all mean to Dana like, what are you some kind of ruffian? And Dana is like, I’LL SHOW YOU RUFFIAN BITCH! So she goes and gets changed into nice clothes and then the women take turns being nasty to each other and flirting with Hank. Oh! And, Dana and Hank lie and say that she’s pregnant and that’s why they got married. The whole scene is disgusting. Basically, the ex and her new husband don’t have a lot of money so they want Hank to sell their racehorse for them (because he breeds palomino thoroughbred racehorses lolololololol) and he has to come to Corpus Cristi and see this horse for himself, which Dana is like I do not think so buster brown, and the ex is like, what’s wrong don’t you trust your husband? And then Hank is like, YEAH DON’T YOU TRUST ME I’M TOTALLY GOING YOU CASTRATING BITCH, and turns into a petulant little beast that I want to punt across the ranch like a football. Everyone in this book is an asshole. Eventually Dana gets tired of hanging out with Hank and his ex, so she decides to go upstairs and pack her bags and go home. You go girl! Go! Far away! She’s almost done when Hank wanders in, feeling bad about being a douche and looking to apologize, but I’m not willing to let him off the hook and neither is Dana. So she leaves, and on her way out she runs into the ex’s husband and he’s like, oh you’re so wonderful, you’re such a special kind of lady, you’re not a gold-digger at all, etc, etc. Which…whatever. Just whatever. So Dana goes home and nurses her sadness and decides to divorce Hank, and Hank goes to Corpus Christi with his ex and her husband. But as soon as they get there, the husband drops dead! Yikes! So Hank stays down there for awhile longer to, I don’t know, take care of business and whatever. But not sex business, because he’s in love with Dana. Although he’s also super furious that she’s divorcing him and he orders his lawyer to sit on it and not file. His lawyer gives him a lecture about what a special snowflake Dana is and how he’s ruining a good thing, but like…why? I don’t get it. I don’t see what everyone else sees in Dana, I guess. She seems a total wet blanket limp noodle starry-eyed baby to me. Yaaaaaawn. Oh, and also, Dana is pregnant. So she leaves home and moves to Houston and is going to, like, have the baby and go to college or something, but then Hank hires a private eye to track her down and grundingly admits that he kind of sort of loves her or whatever so she goes back home with him and they live happily ever after. Then she gives him a son! I mean, she has a baby and the baby is a boy. And then she asks him to get her some strawberry ice cream and he shows up with an ice cream truck filled with the most expensive strawberry ice cream ever! And also he bought the strawberry ice cream company! HAHAHAHAHA! Love makes you do weird things, right?! HAHAHAHAHA! There is definitely happiness in their future! HAHAHAHAHA! He’s totally not going to turn into a controlling abusive douche that wrecks her life! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, wait, he’s not going to turn into that because he already is that! YAAAAAAAAAAAAY! TRUE LOVE FOREVER!!!!!!
Oooooops I barfed all over my computer. 😦